?

Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Here it is folks.

I am a lesbian. I am gay. I like women pretty much exclusively. And I am more comfortable with the word "lesbian" than I ever have been with "bisexual", so yeah.

I do believe what I felt for all my male crushes in the past was legit, but they were really innocent, "I wanna chill with you" crushes.

Thank you, all of you, so much for your comments on my last post. I didn't respond to all of them, in fact I only responded to one, because it's just... hard. It's hard to express how thankful I am for each an every one of you. (If you didn't see it, it was heavily locked, so you didn't miss it.) I love all of you. ALL OF YOU.

I am scared shitless. I am terrified of the future. I am mortified that some of my friends, my female friends in particular, will never be the same around me if I tell them. That our friendship will be uncomfortable for them. Even if I've known them since I was nine or younger. Only on IRL friend knows.

I am scared that my closest cousin won't see me the same way. That whole side of the family is very conservative. But what if this ruins our relationship? Would she even come to my wedding?

Can I ever even get married? Oregon passed a constitutional amendment in 2004 banning same-sex marriage. I was honestly more disappointed with that than Bush winning. People think of Oregon is an uber liberal hippie state, but that's mostly Portland and Eugene. Much of the state is conservative. What if it's never overturned? I don't want to have to leave my fucking home just for my union to be recognized. I love Oregon. I could never move out of this state. I identify as an Oregonian with all my heart. Put a bird on it. Ducks. Beavers. Trees. Rain. Strawberries. Nerdshit. Hipsters. Hippies. Tillamook cheese. Wine. I love it all. I don't want to move to New York or Iowa. I want to get married here.

I am shit scared of what might happen if I hold hands with a woman in public. What men, shitty men, assholes, not cool dudes, might say. What they might do. I can't get hurt like that again. I can't get hurt worse. I fucking can't.

I hate myself for being so ashamed of myself for being gay. I shouldn't. My parents never gave me any reason for this. I think I'm just ashamed of being remotely sexual. I hate being ashamed of something like that. There is nothing wrong with it. I am a sex-positive feminist. Why am I ashamed of occasionally having sexual feelings towards other women?

I am terrified of telling my parents. They are liberal. They are pro-gay rights. But it was so fucking awkward when I came out to them as queer/bisexual. They'll love me no matter what, but I'm still scared I'll be disappointing them. No son-in-law from me. Probably no blood grandchildren. But there are so many kids who need homes. And I don't think I should pass on my genetics. But that's not the point right now. The point is I have no idea how to go about coming out again, this time dashing their hopes that I might ever have a "normal" life with a man. I'll basically be telling them that I'm even more of an "other" than I already was. That my life will be harder for yet another reason. I think I've even been drinking a bit more since realizing that I'm gay in hopes that maybe if I'm buzzed enough I'll just tell them and things will be easier that way. I know that's not smart and not the way to go about it and even when I'm as close to drunk as I'll ever get I just start freaking out like "What if I tell them now? THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE."

And since realizing I'm gay, I have just felt so disconnected. Even more disconnected from the media, pop culture, my straight and even bi friends, feeling alone and shit. I worry that even my bisexual friends will feel awkward. And seeing so few gay characters on TV, every song on the radio being about straightness, it's so... isolating. I feel like no one will understand, but I know that's stupid shit because a lot of people are gay and I have gay friends who I could probably talk to. Like I didn't feel isolated enough this past year with utterly fucking up with school and the PTSD.

God. Does anyone have advice? Hugs? Support? This has been driving me nuts all summer.

Ha! I just told my younger brother and he said in a very dramatic voice, like the one he uses when his D&D character talks about his hatred for Merfolk, "I ALWAYS FIGURED!" That's probably the best response I have gotten. Relieves so much awkwardness.

So. Yeah. This is public right now because. Well. It's a step, I guess. And if this post makes anyone uncomfortable, I'm sorry. That's one of my biggest fears. I'm sorry. I might f-lock it later.

I love you guys. So much. And I hate to ask more of you. Ask for more support when I am shit at helping.

Comments

( 12 voices — Sometimes I hear my voice )
weaverandom
Sep. 4th, 2011 01:13 pm (UTC)
I know typing *hugs* doesn't always cut it but: *HUGS*.

So many people make this journey but every single one of them makes it on their own. Disconnected and isolated - it should be on our damn t-shirts. Here are crossed fingers for things getting easier for you - and more e-hugs, from a long way away. Because it's hard.

<333333333
obsessive0514
Sep. 5th, 2011 07:23 am (UTC)
Internet hugs are perfect. *HUGS*

Thank you. <3333333333
(Deleted comment)
obsessive0514
Sep. 5th, 2011 08:19 am (UTC)
Thank you. Thank you so so so so much. For the hope, the information, even the warning! Just... thank you. You are amazing.
dharmavati
Sep. 4th, 2011 02:47 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure what advice I can give but I hope you don't feel sorry at all for figuring out about yourself. You shouldn't have to apologize for that. You definitely have my support as you goes through this.

*ALL THE HUGS*
obsessive0514
Sep. 5th, 2011 08:48 am (UTC)
*ALL THE HUGS BACK*

Thank you! <3
amelia_seyroon
Sep. 4th, 2011 03:16 pm (UTC)
<3333333
obsessive0514
Sep. 5th, 2011 08:52 am (UTC)
<333333333333 *HUGS*
ivy_chan
Sep. 4th, 2011 03:53 pm (UTC)
*lines up to give supportive HUGS* <3<3<3<3<3

I am not very good at advice, so my support and good wishes will have to do. I wish you well and hope you get all the support you deserve from your family, who love you, and your friends, who do too.
obsessive0514
Sep. 5th, 2011 08:54 am (UTC)
*HUGS* <3 <3 <3 <3

Thank you. Support is just as good as advice. Thank you so much.
arthoniel
Sep. 4th, 2011 09:22 pm (UTC)
Oh boy. You certainly are going through a lot, aren't you?

It's really difficult for one person to give advice about something like this to another, because everyone has very different familial situations, different backgrounds, and I can't say what, exactly, would be the number one best thing for you to do with absolute certainty.

But just... remember that there are so many people who love and support you. Even if you feel awkward telling your family about it, they will still always care about you. Your friends will still be there for you. (And what I have noticed about coming out to female friends... all of my friends know on some level that I am bisexual, but they're not really all that weird about it. Even though they know that I really am actively attracted to females and I'm not just saying that I'm bi so I can be ~*special*~, they know that I'm not attracted to them... that they and I are just platonic, so it's not like it's weird. It's just like my guy friends. It's platonic and that's it, and people are much better at recognizing that then one would originally think.) You have all of us here on the internet who absolutely will always be here for you! Hell, even my roommate supports you, and she doesn't even know you!

In fact, I think that's closer to the point. There's a whole community of people like us out there for you too. Not to negate the people in your life now- I'm absolutely certain that they are behind you no matter what. But if you ever need something else, there's a ton of us out here too. And we are always here for you, for whatever you need.

...I'm not making very much sense in this comment. I may come back and revise all of this to something more coherant and better phrased. But the overall point remains the same- we love you and support you, and you do whatever you feel is necessary, and we will be here for you when you need us. <3
obsessive0514
Sep. 5th, 2011 09:09 am (UTC)
You made perfect sense. Thank you so much. And tell your roommate thank you for the support! And hell, give her a hug for me! And a *HUG* for you!

<33333

Edited at 2011-09-05 09:09 am (UTC)
thechillstone
Sep. 10th, 2011 07:00 am (UTC)
I wish I had something more helpful or comforting to say, but you lost my sanity at the words "Tillamook Cheese." It is the deliciousness that I live for...and yeah. And we're kinda in similar boats, except I've concluded that declaring an orientation is meaningless if I'm not going to date anyone. I know it's some big identity piece or what have you, but committing to something oppressive is a pain in the ass.
( 12 voices — Sometimes I hear my voice )

Tags

Latest Month

May 2013
S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031 
Powered by LiveJournal.com